Enlightened My Ass. I'm Just trying not to punch you in the face.

This was written on January 14, 2017. I barely remember this day, but reading now made me laugh, and if filled my heart with contentment. 

I am a spiritual person. I believe in Gd, I attend synagogue, lead services. I pray.

Tonight, I decided I would attend the chanting circle at my synagogue. I needed to learn some new chants, since my one chant wasn't containing all that has been boiling over inside of me. I also have been wanting to create prints for chants, hoping to sell them to the chanting community in Elkins Park, and surrounding cities.

But I need to back up. A month ago I was fired from my job. It was a blessing. I believe in blessings, and this was a biggie. A month before that, my sister was locked up. She had a technical violation of her probation. She is on probation because she assaulted me, and tried to steal from me. I pressed charges. She violated her probation, and now she sits in prison.A couple of months before that, our mother died.  And since our mother is dead, I'm now my sister's best friend.

I rushed like mad to see my sister. You must sign in at Riverside Correctional Facility by 5 pm. I got there at 4:51 pm. I hugged her, and then we sat together for about an hour, me listening to her talk about how she was starting to lose it. And then she told me how she envisioned us living together. This was a long time ago, when she was coming up from Florida to move in with me. I was so hopeful that she wanted a better life, but then she brought up things that reminded me of the pain.She blurted out how everyone was freaking out about Billy Gray, the junkie running from the cops for assaulting a pimp. She left Florida, and her 11 year old daughter to chase after him. She hoped that he could just hide out with us, And then she started to ramble about how he was in prison (he was captured and arrested before she arrived) and wasn't going to cause any problems. Then she talked again how she envisioned me, Jessica and her living together. She didn't want me to move out, then she started to skip stories, and mash everything together. She left out all the violence, drug use, and utter chaos. These stories go back ten years, but it's the drug use that made her assault me, and steal a check, and try to cash it. According to her, it was the hormones that made her do it. Me, I'm pretty sure it was the heroin.

I left there, my mind racing. I wanted to scream and laugh like a crazy person. I stopped at Wawa on my way to the chanting circle, and ended up having a food binge in my car.

The circle was made up of a small group of women in their 50s and 60s. As usual, I was the youngest at 48. Now, I don't want to judge, because I know that you don't know what folks are dealing with, but my shit felt pretty heavy, and the leader was talking about flitting around the house, and all of a sudden being over taken by joy. That was her moment of enlightenment. It didn't disgust me. That's her life, and good on her that she doesn't have to deal with my bullshit. When we went around and talked about why we are here, I said that I have a lot of energy that i need to contain with music, and I needed to add to my repertoire. When I said that I have a lot of energy, she said, "I can see that." Here I thought I was holding it together.

Why so violent? That is the thing about me, it's right there, underneath, waiting to be unleashed. The violence. Unchecked rage. Greatness. That is there too. So I sing. I feel the jubilant vibration in my chest. I need that vibration to become louder, stronger than the rage.

Today, June 28, 2020: I know the rage is still there, but she is more of a sulker than a rager. I see her pain, her disheveled hair, tear stained face. I look at her with compassion. I tell her that we are okay. We made it through that terrible time. I hold her, and hug her. She breathes a sigh of release, I feel her tension subside. We both cry.

Basking In A Blessing

DEC 2012
Forgive the disjointedness of this posting. it's 4am, and I haven't slept yet. I'll clean it up later.

Do you remember how awesome Avraham was in Bereshit? I truly think, as far as all the Patriarchs go, he was Gd's favorite. Whatever Gd asked of him he did. Lech Lecha. Performing acts of hospitality after he performs a brit mila on himself. It's no wonder that that when he stands at the edge of the city of Gemmorah, Gd does not get angry with Avraham when haggles with Gd, convincing Gd to let him find just one worthy person from the city, so that all may be spared. Avraham was so willing to follow Gd's commands that he agrees to take his son, his only son, the one whom he loves to a place where Gd will instruct him, and sacrifice Isaac. What other father would saddle his ass, and sets out to the place where he is told to go right after given the command, without hesitation? It is with this unwavering faith that Avraham sets out to raise up a mighty nation. After his death, Gd performs an interesting act, he blesses Isaac. Commentary states that he does this to pass onto Isaac the blessing that Avraham had received. Isaac, in turn, accepts this blessing.

Fast forward to the beginning of Sh'mot, after we learn that the Israelites are suffering under Pharos rule, and they cry out to GD. The next thing we learn, is that Gd remembers his covenant that He made with Avraham, and the nation of Israel. I usually interpret this as GD forgets, and then remembers. Then I recall something I learned from Ramchal (Rabbi Lazzato) in his book Mesilat Yesherim. Gd's presence is constant. When we turn away from Gd, he remains present, but withdraws His hand. When we turn towards Gd, cry out, sending forth a prayer, Gd stretches out his hand. So why does it take so long for Gd to stretch out His hand? Perhaps there was no one there to accept his blessing. It's possible that when Gd blessed Isaac, the next thing that occurred was that Isaac accepted His blessing. So, perhaps Gd had offered his blessing to Israelite, after Israelite, but none would accept, and therefore, it wasn't until Moshe that at first would not accept Gd's blessing, but finally relents and voila, Israel is brought forth from bondage.

Our relationship with Gd is unique. Although, He is always present, it is up to each of us to offer up a prayer, cry out, and when Gd stretches out His hand to offer his blessing, take hold. Friday night, when your candles are lit, and you are basking in the holiness that is Shabbat, remember to also bask in Gd's blessing.

Wonderings while waiting for a tow truck...or dean, if you can hear me - haaaalp!

Since I am still in a state of gratitude for all that I have, I will take this moment to be grateful for my car breaking down and stranding me in the middle of nowhere so I can talk about the existence of Gd. However, I must first point out, it is only in a moment of true need that one really experiences gratitude. Therefore I would like to say, I am grateful, and I don't think I show it or say it enough, to my mother and step-father for making me feel elevated in spirit. When I have very little, they fill my chauffeurs with abundant love.

I was telling Aunt Janet the other day about one of my theology classes I had taken in college. The professor asked if Gd existed. The class said yes. He asked, "How do you know? Our only answer was that this is what we were taught. As a 19 year old, this was mind blowing. Well, actually, at 44 it's still mind blowing. I decided that Gd did exist,but only to those who believed in Him. So, He exists, but if you don't believe in Him, he doesn't exist for you. I also believe that it's not the end of the world if you don't believe in Gd's existence, but believing does add to one's life.
My favorite portion in the bible is coming up...the Israelites cry out in their suffering. Gd remembers His covenant with them, and turns to them...or something like that. I'll look it up when I'm home.

I'm now sitting in the cab of the tow truck. I am grateful for warm toes. Fyi...leaving your blinkers on too long kills your battery.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Ruben has yet to weep on Joseph's neck, and Joseph has to to journey to Jacob...but in the beginning of exodus, we, the Israelites are now the central player, and we start to make choices as Israelites, and oy, the choices we will make. The tow truck has taken me to my destination, and now I must wait to be retrieved before continuing onto home.

Home! Very tired. I'll have to finish this later.

Cough

My biggest concern, more than poverty, is living with smokers, and the terrible cough that I know have. Lung cancer is my biggest fear.

I've spent a good deal of the past week wanting to kill myself, and thankfully, just as much time telling myself that it is not an option. Creating has kept my spirits high.

I'm happy with two of my drawings. I even added color to one of them. I have their English translation beneth the Hebrew, but I'm going to change that. Looking at the Hebrew only, and having to unravel the mystery is part of the prayer,or better yet that you never know It's translation, but instead stand in awe of each decorated letter.

Beginning again and again and again

If you could see where I'm starting from. One tiny room with all of my belongings. I'm on the third floor of my step father's home. I keep the door closed, trying to keep out the stench of cigarette smoke. I have an air purifier going, and I spritz the room with perfume a couple of times per day.
There's no bed, so for now I'm on the floor. It's actually not too bad. As long as I am able to catch a large chunk of uninterrupted sleep, I have no problem with sleeping on the floor.
My next challege will be paying my car insurance, parking ticket and meds. Giving up is not an option.

Not loving this

I just finished chanting how my soul that Gd has given me, she is so pure. This is to bring me back from the brink of hate that was filling my thoughts. The hate I feel towards my life. Feeling trapped on walker street with those who do not care for me. I am glad I have a place to stay this night. It is cold out and the ground is covered in snow. I am grateful and sad. Once again I am surrounded and disliked. I'm not loving this.

I'm starting off the new year with just under $14.00. I just counted it and put it in my tiny change purse I bought at Ten Thousand Villages years ago when I had a job. It will grow. My room is in order, and I am ready to get down to work on what it is I am here to do. Now i f I could just figure out what that is.

on friday nights, i like to pull into the shul's parking lot and curse the Snitz family.  They have a reserved spot amongst a bank of parking spaces near the entrance to the building. Since I've been attending, the parking spot has been empty. In the beginning, i would explain to myself why i was cursing them, "Gd damn Snitz. they'er probably not even coming tonight." And then my words became fewer. soon it was just riding past the reserved, abandon spot at exhaling, "fucking Snitz." Now i just coat my tone with disdain as i fire forth their name, "Snitz!" under my breath.

When Death Comes Knocking

So much has happened this past year; it's hard to know where to begin.

In February of 2012, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. It had metastasized to is ribcage, his outlook wasn't good. I decided that I should move down there to be with him. Call it divine inspiration, or call it, I have nothing better going for me up north, maybe I aught to move to another state and try my luck there inspiration. Anyway, I packed up the PT Cruiser and Quintin, my cat, and off we went. First stop, Lawrenceville, Georgia. My cousin, Sherri had been diagnosed with lung cancer in October of 2011, and her prognosis was even worse than my father's. She was receiving aggressive treatments, but to no avail. The cancer had its own mission. I arrived on February 28th, and on the 29th, we celebrated our birthdays that would be occurring on March 2nd and 3rd. She was in no mood to celebrate. She had a visit with the oncologist the next day, and she already knew what she was going to hear. She already knew the treatments weren't working, and that the cancer was spreading. I sat next to her on the couch after we blew out out candles. We sat there in silence as she stroked Foxie, the pug. I wanted to reach out for her hand, but I couldn't do it. It was there waiting for me, but I, regrettably missed the opportunity.

The next morning, March 1st, I left them all to continue on my trek. I turned back to look at the house, and watched as my cousin, her husband, and her older sister gathered on the porch before heading out to receive, what would be for her the inevitable. She knew it was coming. When I talked to her on what would be her last birthday, she told that she didn't want to receive anymore treatment, but she would continue to do so for her husband's sake. She suffered right to the very end. Her husband was against her going into hospice because he wanted to make sure he did everything he could do to try and save her. He even had a feeding tube put in her abdomen a week before she died. Her sister, Merle told me that she couldn't stay in the room to watch her die because she struggled with every breath. It was heartbreaking to hear. Sherri lost her battle to cancer in early July 2012.

 As for me, I had borrowed $500 to get me to florida, and after that, I had no idea what i was going to do. I tried in vain the entire month of March to get a job, only to find that my resume was a mess, and i had mistyped my phone number on a major job search, account profile. I did manage to secure something that would start in April. It was temporary part-time at Universal Studios working in Market Research. I would make $9/hour, but only working about three days a week. By the time April had rolled around, I moved from my father's place in Oviedo, to my cousin Merle's house located in Orlando.

The second night I was at my father's, my step-mother had informed me that I could only stay there for three weeks, and then I had to find some other place to live. I sat on the floor, shuffling around my things, and I could feel my face getting red. I had visions of us all living together, and going through this struggle as one. She said, "I can see how upset you are." I realized that she intentionally upset me. She was letting me know that I was not welcome to stay. After that evening, she would let me know in other ways how unwelcome I was. I was grateful when my cousin said I could stay at her house in Orlando. She was still in Georgia, Sherri was still alive, and I could help her son, Derrick with expenses once I started to make money. I planned to move the beginning of April. However, that was not soon enough for my step-mother. One day when I particularly got on her nerves, one day it was doing the dishes, I was wasting water. Another day it was leaving dishes in the sink, I'm attracting bugs. And then finally one day it was, "How soon can you move to Merle's, and can it be any sooner?  I could tell already that my divine mission was going to be a long one.

daily grind

There is so much to post. I should really be posting each day to keep track of my own progress towards my goals in life.

I didn't have anything to do with the ponies today. It felt weird, and I felt lost, but I've been feeling lost a lot lately. I used to think that I could achieve anything, but since I have failed to land that job or any other job, I've been shaken, right down to my core of self worth.

My time with the ponies has meant a lot to me. Getting to know their personalities and being a part of their care makes me feel special (which I'm needing a bit of) and has brought me satisfaction that I've choses wisely my career path.

I applied for an internship position with a local farm. Snipes farm is a fifteen generation farm that has received a 5 0 C 3 status.  It can now house and pay for interns, and it has an education center. I met with the person running the internship program, and I think I could learn a lot with this program. I hope I get it, but I won't know until the end of January. That's cutting it close if I want to apply to other programs, but I guess that's how it goes.

It's traveling with my cat. It's a deal breaker for most places I apply too.

well, tomorrow i will start daily blogging so i can capture my farm experiences when they are fresh.

Hara! Isn't always a celebration

I've been struggling so much lately in my relationship with my seventeen year old niece.  I've been so frustrated and angry that I forgot about my Gd glasses. Without Gd glasses, my struggle with is just a tire turning in the mud.  Struggle is inherent. No one is immune to it, and I am, after all an Israelite, and it is in my heritage. However, as one mitzveh, begets another, my problem is my engagement into my yetzer hara.  I have done very little in way of prayer lately. I have even neglected my home observances, which is to say, my mezzuah, and its contents have gone mostly ignored - and it has taken its toll. who am i to think that my soul can work without nourishment? who am i to think that i can approach the world alone?


I usually say this, but this is one of my ultimate truths, Jacob's journey home.  


When Jacob arrives at a place on his way to haron, he decides to take a rest. at that moment, when Jacob has done nothing but look at his world with mortal eyes, gets a glimpse at a through Gd's gaze. "Gd must have been in this place, and i did not know it." The rocks know better, "Here is a tzadik. Let him rest his head against me." Even though Jacob has done nothing but deceive and steal from those who are close to him, the rocks know better. They saw with Gd glasses, a righteous man.


However, Jacob only gets a glimpse of holiness. When he arrives at his destination, the deceiver is deceived, and in turn, Jacob deceives and steals again. A recurring theme that lasts most of his life. Fortunately, it is not too late for Jacob to again experience holiness and revelation. Even after a lifetime of deceit. 


As he approaches his childhood home, he is unsure if his brother, Esau has forgiven him. Jacob sends scouts ahead, bearing gifts, and to size up Esau's mood.  The scouts are greeted by Esau...and 400 of his men...and report back to Jacob. "Ehhh. things, they don't look so good." Jacob, with his limited vision, decides to take action. He divides all he possess: wives, children, slaves and cattle, and sends messengers out, again, bearing gifts.  no change.


Now what we know of Esau is that he is barbaric.  This is why Rebecca wanted Jacob, the scholar to lead the family. But Easu has 400 men behind him. Esau is a wealthy man, and head of his family. The deception of Jacob was twenty years ago. He has accepted Jacob's gifts, but is cautious about Jacob. Is he planning to deceive him again. Will Jacob mount an attack, even though he bears gifts? He is not so barbaric. Their history together was a lifetime ago, Esau wants to know, has Jacob changed? Should he trust him? Maybe Esau is a bruit, but he is a wealthy man, and has successfully grown and led his family, so maybe he is wise as well.


Jacob hearing that Esau still waits for him with 400 men, he is perplexed. "What should I do?" He tries to scheme how he can get his brother to stand down, and accept his return to the family with love and compassion?  He needs to go off and think. He needs to go and reflect. He needs to stop shuffling around chairs on the titanic, and possibly take another approach. Maybe he needs to figure out how to get off the boat (what a horrible analogy. My apologies). But maybe he needs to view the situation from another point of view.


His transformation.


Jacob is visited by an angel, or he sees an angel, stops him and wrestles. He wrestles all night long, and when the day is dawning, and about to bring the same situation to Jacob's feet, he grabs the angel, refusing to let him go, and he demands to be blessed. Why? What is a blessing going to do for him? What does he hope to gain from this blessing? The angel informs him, "Hey! I already blessed you, now let me go!".


"No! do it again! bless me!"


The angel relents, and makes it more clear - I bless you and rename you Israel. For you have struggled with Gd.


In his asking to be blessed, Jacob is asking for more. He wants holiness. the angel reminds him. Man! you already got it!


Jacob is like, "But i missed it the first time. Do it again. And this time, make me see it!"


The second time, Jacob's eyes open, that is to say, his heart is open. a layer of this mortal world has been freed from his neshama, and he now sees what the rocks had seen.  He now sees a righteous man, but not only in himself, but in his brother, Esau as well. Jacob sees now with Gd's eyes.


With this clearer, holier vision, Jacob approaches his brother not with a sword, but with humility for what he had done to his brother and his father. he and esau embrace each other. they kiss, and they weep. After twenty years of isolation and past hurts, our patriarch accepts his holiness, his humility, and now sees with love.


Easy! Right?!


Jacob's example is repeated again in Joshua, but it's an important lesson. We should never go it alone. Our mortal vision is not enough. Don't only revere Jacob. Show him the most sincerest form of flattery, and do what he has done. Reflect. Reclaim your name, Israelite, see that Gd has been here -  for this place, this person is surely blessed.

How's this for a bad day?

today i will  close my door and cry. there are so many things i keep at bay, and today i've been pushed to the limit.

i haven't been able to find work, and when i do, my sister n law tells me the position i'm about to take is wrong, and i shouldn't do it. then my niece continues to treat me rudely, even though i'm about to drive her to work, only to end up calling me a bitch. calling me a bitch! a bitch! i am not a bitch! i don't want to take her to work, or have anything to do with her. have your grandmother put some fucking clothes on and take you to work. i am failing in dealing with the teenager. my personality is not strong enough. does that make me weak? i'm 42 years old, and i feel weak. i just won't be home all day, then there won't be any problem with having to ask me to take her. is that being cowardly? calling my mother. no answer.

i feel like a failure as a human being. i've never been able to establish an intimate relationship, and i'm not even good with friendships. i don't know how to give of myself. i'm at risk for all types of cancers, since i've never been on the pill or have been pregnant. i have a spot on my finger that i'm afraid is cancerous, but i no longer have insurance. even at my job, i wasn't good at it. i just couldn't hold my own, and spent a lot of my time online or talking to friends.

this past year has been a flop. i make poor decisions. in hindsight, if i moved out of the trailer, and took an apartment somewhere, I possibly could have stayed at the farm. and told them that i wouldn't be doing the markets. if they said no, then i could look back without regret. and at bobolink farm, if i just did the cows and not the shop.

i still feel sick about simba.

was it my mania that made me do all of those things? if i were normal, then would i have not made so many errors in my decision making? i sometimes wish i would die. i just feel like a failure as a human being. let the others take my place and contribute to this world. i just can't.

i cried today. when my brother called, i cried to him. when my mother returned my call, i cried to her. i know i'm not done crying. i won't be for a long time. i'm usually a happy person, but today, i can't remember what that happiness feels like.

i feel rage.

my mother tells me that there are so many things i have accomplished. none of it feels like an accomplishment. i feel like a failure. what is a human being supposed to be doing? i don't know what it is i'm supposed to be doing. we're not supposed to be alone. fail. marry. fail. have children. fail.

so now i'm trying to be as productive as i can be where i am living, but only to be kicked. i don't want to be kicked. i don't want to have to fight. i want to live in harmony with the world. how can i live in harmony with the world? i'm so small. i feel so lost and insignificant.

Time is flying

It certainly has been a while since I've posted. It's too bad that I'm not more consistent, there are a lot of great things happening, and I should document them.


My involvement in caring for the ponies and the little fellabella we have has deepened.  You notice how I include myself in ownership.  I'm really just a worker, but I take my involvement seriously.  If only I could write more on that particular strain of thought, but it's best to keep it safe.


I've decided to take some books out of the library to increase my knowledge on the care of horses and ponies. I need to know more about feeding. I think one pony is getting too much, and the other, not enough. Other things I'm learning more about involve grooming and anatomy.  I'm also trying my hand at discipline. I want to learn proper techniques since I'm usually exposed to methods that I find questionable. 


My schedule typically involves taking care of them in the morning, and my sister n law and niece take over the evening care.  If they are out in the pasture all day, then all the evening shift needs to do is bring them in, and provide feed and hay.  Their stalls are already clean as are their water buckets - which are also full of fresh water. If they are in their stalls all day long, then they need to have their stalls mucked and water buckets filled in addition to feeding. Usually I'm greeted in the morning to a full wheel barrel and tack lying around waiting to be put away. 


My time in the mornings have become longer. I think I'll start bringing my computer, books and knitting/cross-stitch to start feeding in the afternoon and maybe take over the evening. 


I need to start planning for next years garden. I still want to have one at the barn. On the side of the barn I can plant an herb garden. I think if I start from seed now, they'll be ready to plant by the spring. 


I'm also going to put a garden on my brother's property.  My sister n law thinks I'm going to need to fence it all in to keep out the deer, but I can do low tunnels and other deterrents.


On the downside, I have no money. I've lost my insurance, I have loan payments due, and I need to buy my medication next week. My brother and sister n law have been helping out with most of my expenses, but it's been an emotional burden that I can't fully express. I need some financial freedom. 


Finding a job has been very difficult. Even with my experience, I have not been able to get back into public health. Just as well I suppose, but I really would have liked the income.


I haven't been able to score any non-skilled jobs either. That part has been very depressing. 


If only I could summon the courage to do some of the things I've been desiring.  The pie making, scarves, pasta...all of these things I should be doing.  I haven't been making any solid plans.  

Odd

have you ever read hannah, samuel's mother? she's found near the tent of meeting, on her knees mumbling prayers to gd. she was praying for a child.

i have found myself in the same position, sans tent of meeting, praying for love and companionship, until one day, i prayed for gd to take away my feelings for such things - after all, i've never had these things fulfilled, so why have the feelings at all?

so far, for the past year and a half, very little pain and suffering.  however, the past few days, those feelings of longing and emptiness have crept back into my life. i want to wrap myself in my own embrace for comfort.  again, i ask for gd to take away these feelings that have never been any use to me, but have only been a source of pain since as long as i can remember.

these terrible feelings use to consume me. i spent way too much time on friends' and therapists' couches, and even in my doctor's office crying about it.

it's not that i wouldn't love to have a companion, but those feelings of sadness and desperation are terrible...

the truth is, i don't feel like i am a good person deserving of such a love. i've been in situations where i've met men who were available, and i was never found appealing. I wasn't appealing. I was suffering from mental health problems that just made me a mess to be around.  medication has made me better, somewhat.  i'm still weird. i've been in situations where the opportunity was so close, but i pushed it away or behaved in such an outrageous manner, but that was my fear talking. how complicated it all is.

sometimes it's as if i'm 1000 stories high, trying to drop water from an eye-dropper into a dixie cup on the ground. someone i knew who had lost his ability to walk said that after a while he would watch people walk and wonder how they managed to hold themselves up on their sticks.  he said it all just seemed so odd. That's me with relationships. It's all so odd.

"you can't handle the truth!"

I am imperfect.  It's the most awesome, burden unloading truth I hold dear to my heart.  Not that it let's me off the hook, but acceptance is a powerful thing.


In my last post, I talked about wanting to write out my truths.  Then I started to realize, there's no way I'm  ever going to get to the heart of who I am.  Well, maybe I can uncover WHAT makes me tick, but I don't ever think I'm going to uncover WHY I tick that particular way.  


You know that question, "If there is one thing you could change about yourself...?"  We've all had our typical replies to the age old question.  Most replies involve wanting to get rid of bad habits and take on new, and hopefully better habits.  You may want to change jobs, locale, relationships, looks.  Sometimes people want to change their circumstances: richer, live off the land, greener - what have you.   And then there are those who just want to change their clothes.  "All's fine here! I wouldn't change a thing!"  I like to judge these people and call them "in denial".  


I've spent my entire life trying to change who I am.  My therapist, whom I've been fortunate enough to have for the past twenty years once said to me that she has watched as I have leveled and then rebuilt myself brick by brick.  It's taking me a very long time to understand what change I was actually going for.  I think I was afraid I would just be another copy of my mother, father, sister, and I was going to do whatever it took to make sure I wasn't one of them.  I was afraid as heck about who I was.  I was afraid that Jack Nicholson was right.  My truth was something that I would never discuss at a cocktail party, or even admit to myself in the dark.  I was afraid of the answer to "Who am I?"


Looking back, I don't thing I changed much.  Sure I've matured in ways that have made me very happy. And adding a mood altering drug has made life way better. But my "self" is no different than it has been since the beginning of my time.  However, up until now, wanting to know the "why" of my "self" has never ceased from my thoughts.  


I think I now know the answer to the question: "Why am I this way.  Why am I not a drug addict, shoplifter, murderer?  I think the movie "Capote" touches on the topic with great skill.   When Capote is sitting with the murder in his cell as he's dying, Capote realizes that they both came up in identical households.  However, Capote is struck to his core with the question "What made you go out the back door, and me go out the front door?  Why am I not a murderer like you?"  Great movie. Rent it.


Someone once said to me that we all contain Gd.  When you meet another person, you are essentially meeting GD.  Hmmm.  Well that doesn't help me much.  I mean, it sounds nice and all, but I know and understand less about the "why" of Gd then I do about my own "why".  So, maybe I wasn't really trying to change myself, but trying to do the impossible; trying to discover my true "self".  "Why do I tick that way?"  But maybe, like trying to understand Gd, it's impossible.  


So the answer to "why?" I'm starting to believe is this.  My subconscious (well, really everyones subconscious) has decided that it is best if I (we) didn't know the "why".  I sometimes think it says to me (you), "here is your (your plural) truth - spirituality, imperfection, a survivor, (add in your own truth) and you really don't need to know why. Just accept it for what it is."  In other words -you are who you are, now go and do something.  Besides, if we dwell on it too much, then maybe we too will end up drinking untold amounts of Old Grand Dad and baby food from jars.  Watch it. It really is a great movie.


Okay, sure - change your habits, jobs, relationships, MOVE, whatever, but remember that you are taking you with you.  There is a you that has set you on a path to where you are going.  It's like being equipped with an internal cruise control.  Don't fight it. Don't worry that you don't have what others have wrongly promised you.  You don't need whatever IT is.  Like Gd said to Avram, "Lech. Lecha"  Go. Go to you - loosely translated.  And like Gd replied to Avram when he asked, "well, where is it that I'm actually going, and how will I know when I get there"? (I'm paraphrasing).  Gd replies, (more paraphrasing) "Don't worry. I'll let you know when you're there."  BTW - This is also a good reply when someone asks you what the hell you are doing with your life.  If you are following your internal cruise control, then you can reply "Don't worry.  I'm on my way, and I'll let you know when I've arrived."  Piss them off even more.  Ha!  


Okay, there's more; it concerns Gd.  There is a truth about Gd and I want you all to know it, but it will have to wait.  Why? Because this truth is something you need to be prepared for.  You just can't hear it outright.  It would be irresponsible of me to just blurt it out.  I'll type it up tonight and stick it...I mean give it to you all tomorrow.  


I'm going to go now and play a game on facebook. Then I'm going to learn a little hebrew.  You all go and enjoy some reruns.


Goodnight. 

 

this is my heart

sometimes i just want to write it all out. all the truth that sits in my heart.  not the emotional stuff of the wrong doing or hurt from a careless comment or behavior. that's all fleeting. i want to get out the truth about me. the truth about my life as i understand it.  all of the good and unformed parts.  


what is my truth.  can i get anymore existential?  does this sound too much like "who am I?" of course it does.  it's the ongoing, never ending question that is answered then changed? really? does it change so much, or do i think the answer changes because i never fully understand it. 


My life did not turn out like I was told it would.  I am not married and I have no children.  I do not own my own house.  Instead, I am single with never having had a significant relationship in my life.  At one point I thought my life would be nothing without a significant other and a child or children, but lately, while I am still open (i think) to finding a significant other, I'm pretty much past the having children part.  In fact, I've recently discovered that I really don't care for them. you have no freedom, and all your money and time is spent on them, and still they can turn out to take drugs and steal from you, or die or something, and ick.  that's more than i can handle.  


So, apparently, i like being able to go with the flow.  Financially, I've been all over the place. I've been up and down. I've hit skids and prayers answered.  The one truth I've learned about myself...I'm a survivor.  Life can be pretty shitty, but it's best to turn your nose up to bad times and keep moving towards bluer skies...yuck there i go falling into metaphors.  my first truth.  i survive because i don't see much point in being sad.  i've tried deliberately and i've had it foisted upon me thanks to a chemical imbalance.  it's scary, it sucks and it leads nowhere.  you only get sadder until you feel there is no hope.  turn your nose up to the blues, and keep moving on.


my second truth. i'm spiritual, but more than that, i whole heartedly believe in a gd.  the existence of a gd i feel to be a undeniable truth. although, i don't know why and i have no way of proving it, but i know it to be a truth.   i believe that all we do as human beings is some kind of step towards gd.  obviously there are steps that are taken that lead you away from gd, but all of our steps are definitely in relation to or away from gd.  


another truth. i am imperfect.  


oh. i hear that chinese food has arrived.  i'll be prophetic later.  first some fried rice.  

Really morning? Really?

okay. so what the cat woke me up at 530 to eat. after i walked up stairs i start to see the trash from the steps into the kitchen. SOMEBODY left the trash compactor door open and the dogs took out what they could and covered a quarter of the kitchen floor with it. okay, fine. i cleaned it up. EVEN THOUGH i let the dogs out last night, one of them (Macy) pooped on the floor - TWICE. when you're a small dog, your small poops give you away every time bitch. fine. i picked it up. took the trash out to the curb...in my underwear, because i didn't feel like putting pants on thank you very much...helloooo neighbor! whatever, he drinks. i doubt he'll remember. fine. put trash compactor bag into compactor and OUCH! sliced my thumb on a lid to a can of cat food. of course it's on the tip, and i'm wearing six bandaids just to keep the blood spill to a minimum. 

really morning? really?

good thing i'm laughing as i type this.  good thing i have a sense of humor.

forecast today - hot and humid

So my plan to take the teenager somewhere today didn't pan out. I wasn't going to take her anywhere, but realized, "Hey? Why not have her sit somewhere else to watch MTV and mope?"  Oh well. 

Instead, the teenager and pre-teen convinced me to take them to the supermarket because they wanted to get stuff to make their own pizza - dough, sauce, cheese, what have you. Their mother nixed the idea, and instead we ended up buying frozen pizza.  

Now, we are in the supermarket, two sisters: one who is seventeen and the other who is twelve and an Aunt who is quickly realizing that she has made a big mistake.  One of the perks of not having children, you never have to take them into a store of any kind unless you foolishly decide to do so.  I'm feeling a case of regret about to settle into my bones.  What kind of pizza are we going to get?

Now, 12 is very accommodating and will compromise at the drop of a hat, and  was offering a sorts of suggestions that would make both she and 17 happy.  When it comes to accommodating and compromise, 17 has to dig deep for it.  Really, really deep.  I verbalized to 17 that she needed to compromise with what type of pizza they were going to get.  She said she knew that! Gawd! I thought to myself, "Then what the hell is the problem when the answer is staring you right in the face?"  Well, I realized that the answer was that she needed to talk herself into the compromise.  17 usually makes decisions based on what 17 wants.  I begrudgingly accept that, and I actually admire her for it. She doesn't need to worry about taking care of anyone else but herself.  For those of us that did not have that luxury at her age will understand that I'm also a little jealous.  I applaud my brother and sister n law for raising a beautiful, self-absorbed child.  Still, most of the time i just want to clock her.  My brother actually called her a fucking bitch the other day.  He didn't mean it...well, I mean, he didn't mean to say it out loud, but I knew exactly how he felt.  She does this amazing thing.  She asks (demands) to be taken somewhere. You say, "yes" followed by a heavy sigh and an eye roll.  The time comes to leave, and you wait for her to finish getting ready.  When she's ready, she comes to you and starts yelling how they have to get out the door right now because she is going to be late.  You're like, "Bitch I'm waitin' on you."  If you don't move fast enough, she comes at you again.  This is what she did they other day.  "Come on! Let's go! You're going to make me late!"  I can hear her spazzing out on him.  I'm thinking to myself, "What an ungrateful, fucking bitch."  So when I heard my brother yell back - "okay you fucking bitch!"  I knew he immediately regretted saying it out loud.  But hey, what are you going to do?  It happens.  I would have done something far worse. 

So, standing there in front of the frozen pizza,  i took a step back and let her do what she knew she needed to do.  talk herself into making room for someone else.  she did it. she's a rock star and everyone was happy.

Meanwhile, back on my nonexistent farm, I am applying for jobs in healthcare and hoping my unemployment will be reinstated until I can find a job.  I'm going back into my old field because I realize/accepted that I'm gonna need money to be a farmer, and it's gonna have to come in the form of a government funded position.  In the meantime, I volunteer at a food bank one or two days a week, help out with the family's ponies, and I'm growing a garden right next to the stables.  I just need to get myself in bed sooner so when 4:30 rolls around, I've had more than 4.5 hours of sleep.  Now that I'm sleeping on a mattress, This shouldn't be much of a problem.  

Sometimes it's just the simplest things that make the impact.  For me, a comfy mattress.  For 17, the success of a compromise. 

:P

I spent most of the day sleeping today. My plan to change careers and become more spiritually centered is hitting very rough seas.  I thought I would stay wrapped up in blankets to bide my time until the waves passed. 


I've decided to go back into health care. I need to make money. Maybe I was just flirting with the whole blue collar thing. Anyway, real blue collar jobs make a shit load of money, and I wasn't even clearing a turd.  


It'll be good to make some money again, and doing what I know very well.  Although, right now I'm not doing anything, and it is making me incredibly sad.  

how f'd up is that!?

It really is amazing how some of us survived our childhoods.  And it's abso - fucking- lutely true that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger...which really means what didn't destroy our souls only strengthened our spirits.  death is being alive and walking around in darkness, bringing nothing but darkness to others. 


My own darkness:  horrible lights and music.  Off the shoulder halter tops worn by mothers who sit and smoke pot with their sixteen year old daughters.  Daughters who end up having sex with their mother's boyfriends.  It's cool to sit and smoke with them when you're thirteen. You can swear and talk about sex and drugs and not follow any moral code.  No rules. One cool mom. One sleazy boyfriend and one very, very frightened sixteen year old. Thirteen year olds who get to leave and go back to their single parent households where their mothers are not home.  You sit and smoke and blast Rick Springfield out the window and hang out with Dave down the street because all of you have a crush on him, despite the fact that he's an alcoholic.


You move away and become good again, but your sister is smoking and drinking and doing drugs.  She's always bringing her friends around with cases of beer. You don't want to be ridiculed, so you grab a beer...you hate it, but force yourself to drink anyway.  Your choice of drink had always been liquor, but you were away from those you drank.  Here you are again.  Mother even less. Alcoholic neighbor who is twenty- eight is making the moves on you in your room.  You remind him that you are fourteen and a friend.  


maybe fifteen will be better...ha!


Whatever.  There are stories out there way worse.  It doesn't mean anything.  If you are here, not on drugs, drunk or married to any of the above, that's a strengthened spirit.  If you have a strengthened spirit, then the only thing that you can do is laugh and say "I can't believe I survived that!" and move on.  Move on.