Enlightened My Ass. I'm Just trying not to punch you in the face.

This was written on January 14, 2017. I barely remember this day, but reading now made me laugh, and if filled my heart with contentment. 

I am a spiritual person. I believe in Gd, I attend synagogue, lead services. I pray.

Tonight, I decided I would attend the chanting circle at my synagogue. I needed to learn some new chants, since my one chant wasn't containing all that has been boiling over inside of me. I also have been wanting to create prints for chants, hoping to sell them to the chanting community in Elkins Park, and surrounding cities.

But I need to back up. A month ago I was fired from my job. It was a blessing. I believe in blessings, and this was a biggie. A month before that, my sister was locked up. She had a technical violation of her probation. She is on probation because she assaulted me, and tried to steal from me. I pressed charges. She violated her probation, and now she sits in prison.A couple of months before that, our mother died.  And since our mother is dead, I'm now my sister's best friend.

I rushed like mad to see my sister. You must sign in at Riverside Correctional Facility by 5 pm. I got there at 4:51 pm. I hugged her, and then we sat together for about an hour, me listening to her talk about how she was starting to lose it. And then she told me how she envisioned us living together. This was a long time ago, when she was coming up from Florida to move in with me. I was so hopeful that she wanted a better life, but then she brought up things that reminded me of the pain.She blurted out how everyone was freaking out about Billy Gray, the junkie running from the cops for assaulting a pimp. She left Florida, and her 11 year old daughter to chase after him. She hoped that he could just hide out with us, And then she started to ramble about how he was in prison (he was captured and arrested before she arrived) and wasn't going to cause any problems. Then she talked again how she envisioned me, Jessica and her living together. She didn't want me to move out, then she started to skip stories, and mash everything together. She left out all the violence, drug use, and utter chaos. These stories go back ten years, but it's the drug use that made her assault me, and steal a check, and try to cash it. According to her, it was the hormones that made her do it. Me, I'm pretty sure it was the heroin.

I left there, my mind racing. I wanted to scream and laugh like a crazy person. I stopped at Wawa on my way to the chanting circle, and ended up having a food binge in my car.

The circle was made up of a small group of women in their 50s and 60s. As usual, I was the youngest at 48. Now, I don't want to judge, because I know that you don't know what folks are dealing with, but my shit felt pretty heavy, and the leader was talking about flitting around the house, and all of a sudden being over taken by joy. That was her moment of enlightenment. It didn't disgust me. That's her life, and good on her that she doesn't have to deal with my bullshit. When we went around and talked about why we are here, I said that I have a lot of energy that i need to contain with music, and I needed to add to my repertoire. When I said that I have a lot of energy, she said, "I can see that." Here I thought I was holding it together.

Why so violent? That is the thing about me, it's right there, underneath, waiting to be unleashed. The violence. Unchecked rage. Greatness. That is there too. So I sing. I feel the jubilant vibration in my chest. I need that vibration to become louder, stronger than the rage.

Today, June 28, 2020: I know the rage is still there, but she is more of a sulker than a rager. I see her pain, her disheveled hair, tear stained face. I look at her with compassion. I tell her that we are okay. We made it through that terrible time. I hold her, and hug her. She breathes a sigh of release, I feel her tension subside. We both cry.

Basking In A Blessing

DEC 2012
Forgive the disjointedness of this posting. it's 4am, and I haven't slept yet. I'll clean it up later.

Do you remember how awesome Avraham was in Bereshit? I truly think, as far as all the Patriarchs go, he was Gd's favorite. Whatever Gd asked of him he did. Lech Lecha. Performing acts of hospitality after he performs a brit mila on himself. It's no wonder that that when he stands at the edge of the city of Gemmorah, Gd does not get angry with Avraham when haggles with Gd, convincing Gd to let him find just one worthy person from the city, so that all may be spared. Avraham was so willing to follow Gd's commands that he agrees to take his son, his only son, the one whom he loves to a place where Gd will instruct him, and sacrifice Isaac. What other father would saddle his ass, and sets out to the place where he is told to go right after given the command, without hesitation? It is with this unwavering faith that Avraham sets out to raise up a mighty nation. After his death, Gd performs an interesting act, he blesses Isaac. Commentary states that he does this to pass onto Isaac the blessing that Avraham had received. Isaac, in turn, accepts this blessing.

Fast forward to the beginning of Sh'mot, after we learn that the Israelites are suffering under Pharos rule, and they cry out to GD. The next thing we learn, is that Gd remembers his covenant that He made with Avraham, and the nation of Israel. I usually interpret this as GD forgets, and then remembers. Then I recall something I learned from Ramchal (Rabbi Lazzato) in his book Mesilat Yesherim. Gd's presence is constant. When we turn away from Gd, he remains present, but withdraws His hand. When we turn towards Gd, cry out, sending forth a prayer, Gd stretches out his hand. So why does it take so long for Gd to stretch out His hand? Perhaps there was no one there to accept his blessing. It's possible that when Gd blessed Isaac, the next thing that occurred was that Isaac accepted His blessing. So, perhaps Gd had offered his blessing to Israelite, after Israelite, but none would accept, and therefore, it wasn't until Moshe that at first would not accept Gd's blessing, but finally relents and voila, Israel is brought forth from bondage.

Our relationship with Gd is unique. Although, He is always present, it is up to each of us to offer up a prayer, cry out, and when Gd stretches out His hand to offer his blessing, take hold. Friday night, when your candles are lit, and you are basking in the holiness that is Shabbat, remember to also bask in Gd's blessing.

Wonderings while waiting for a tow truck...or dean, if you can hear me - haaaalp!

Since I am still in a state of gratitude for all that I have, I will take this moment to be grateful for my car breaking down and stranding me in the middle of nowhere so I can talk about the existence of Gd. However, I must first point out, it is only in a moment of true need that one really experiences gratitude. Therefore I would like to say, I am grateful, and I don't think I show it or say it enough, to my mother and step-father for making me feel elevated in spirit. When I have very little, they fill my chauffeurs with abundant love.

I was telling Aunt Janet the other day about one of my theology classes I had taken in college. The professor asked if Gd existed. The class said yes. He asked, "How do you know? Our only answer was that this is what we were taught. As a 19 year old, this was mind blowing. Well, actually, at 44 it's still mind blowing. I decided that Gd did exist,but only to those who believed in Him. So, He exists, but if you don't believe in Him, he doesn't exist for you. I also believe that it's not the end of the world if you don't believe in Gd's existence, but believing does add to one's life.
My favorite portion in the bible is coming up...the Israelites cry out in their suffering. Gd remembers His covenant with them, and turns to them...or something like that. I'll look it up when I'm home.

I'm now sitting in the cab of the tow truck. I am grateful for warm toes. Fyi...leaving your blinkers on too long kills your battery.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Ruben has yet to weep on Joseph's neck, and Joseph has to to journey to Jacob...but in the beginning of exodus, we, the Israelites are now the central player, and we start to make choices as Israelites, and oy, the choices we will make. The tow truck has taken me to my destination, and now I must wait to be retrieved before continuing onto home.

Home! Very tired. I'll have to finish this later.

Cough

My biggest concern, more than poverty, is living with smokers, and the terrible cough that I know have. Lung cancer is my biggest fear.

I've spent a good deal of the past week wanting to kill myself, and thankfully, just as much time telling myself that it is not an option. Creating has kept my spirits high.

I'm happy with two of my drawings. I even added color to one of them. I have their English translation beneth the Hebrew, but I'm going to change that. Looking at the Hebrew only, and having to unravel the mystery is part of the prayer,or better yet that you never know It's translation, but instead stand in awe of each decorated letter.

Beginning again and again and again

If you could see where I'm starting from. One tiny room with all of my belongings. I'm on the third floor of my step father's home. I keep the door closed, trying to keep out the stench of cigarette smoke. I have an air purifier going, and I spritz the room with perfume a couple of times per day.
There's no bed, so for now I'm on the floor. It's actually not too bad. As long as I am able to catch a large chunk of uninterrupted sleep, I have no problem with sleeping on the floor.
My next challege will be paying my car insurance, parking ticket and meds. Giving up is not an option.

Not loving this

I just finished chanting how my soul that Gd has given me, she is so pure. This is to bring me back from the brink of hate that was filling my thoughts. The hate I feel towards my life. Feeling trapped on walker street with those who do not care for me. I am glad I have a place to stay this night. It is cold out and the ground is covered in snow. I am grateful and sad. Once again I am surrounded and disliked. I'm not loving this.

I'm starting off the new year with just under $14.00. I just counted it and put it in my tiny change purse I bought at Ten Thousand Villages years ago when I had a job. It will grow. My room is in order, and I am ready to get down to work on what it is I am here to do. Now i f I could just figure out what that is.