Wonderings while waiting for a tow truck...or dean, if you can hear me - haaaalp!

Since I am still in a state of gratitude for all that I have, I will take this moment to be grateful for my car breaking down and stranding me in the middle of nowhere so I can talk about the existence of Gd. However, I must first point out, it is only in a moment of true need that one really experiences gratitude. Therefore I would like to say, I am grateful, and I don't think I show it or say it enough, to my mother and step-father for making me feel elevated in spirit. When I have very little, they fill my chauffeurs with abundant love.

I was telling Aunt Janet the other day about one of my theology classes I had taken in college. The professor asked if Gd existed. The class said yes. He asked, "How do you know? Our only answer was that this is what we were taught. As a 19 year old, this was mind blowing. Well, actually, at 44 it's still mind blowing. I decided that Gd did exist,but only to those who believed in Him. So, He exists, but if you don't believe in Him, he doesn't exist for you. I also believe that it's not the end of the world if you don't believe in Gd's existence, but believing does add to one's life.
My favorite portion in the bible is coming up...the Israelites cry out in their suffering. Gd remembers His covenant with them, and turns to them...or something like that. I'll look it up when I'm home.

I'm now sitting in the cab of the tow truck. I am grateful for warm toes. Fyi...leaving your blinkers on too long kills your battery.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Ruben has yet to weep on Joseph's neck, and Joseph has to to journey to Jacob...but in the beginning of exodus, we, the Israelites are now the central player, and we start to make choices as Israelites, and oy, the choices we will make. The tow truck has taken me to my destination, and now I must wait to be retrieved before continuing onto home.

Home! Very tired. I'll have to finish this later.

Cough

My biggest concern, more than poverty, is living with smokers, and the terrible cough that I know have. Lung cancer is my biggest fear.

I've spent a good deal of the past week wanting to kill myself, and thankfully, just as much time telling myself that it is not an option. Creating has kept my spirits high.

I'm happy with two of my drawings. I even added color to one of them. I have their English translation beneth the Hebrew, but I'm going to change that. Looking at the Hebrew only, and having to unravel the mystery is part of the prayer,or better yet that you never know It's translation, but instead stand in awe of each decorated letter.

Beginning again and again and again

If you could see where I'm starting from. One tiny room with all of my belongings. I'm on the third floor of my step father's home. I keep the door closed, trying to keep out the stench of cigarette smoke. I have an air purifier going, and I spritz the room with perfume a couple of times per day.
There's no bed, so for now I'm on the floor. It's actually not too bad. As long as I am able to catch a large chunk of uninterrupted sleep, I have no problem with sleeping on the floor.
My next challege will be paying my car insurance, parking ticket and meds. Giving up is not an option.

Not loving this

I just finished chanting how my soul that Gd has given me, she is so pure. This is to bring me back from the brink of hate that was filling my thoughts. The hate I feel towards my life. Feeling trapped on walker street with those who do not care for me. I am glad I have a place to stay this night. It is cold out and the ground is covered in snow. I am grateful and sad. Once again I am surrounded and disliked. I'm not loving this.