Monday, December 31, 2012

I'm starting off the new year with just under $14.00. I just counted it and put it in my tiny change purse I bought at Ten Thousand Villages years ago when I had a job. It will grow. My room is in order, and I am ready to get down to work on what it is I am here to do. Now i f I could just figure out what that is.

Friday, December 21, 2012

on friday nights, i like to pull into the shul's parking lot and curse the Snitz family.  They have a reserved spot amongst a bank of parking spaces near the entrance to the building. Since I've been attending, the parking spot has been empty. In the beginning, i would explain to myself why i was cursing them, "Gd damn Snitz. they'er probably not even coming tonight." And then my words became fewer. soon it was just riding past the reserved, abandon spot at exhaling, "fucking Snitz." Now i just coat my tone with disdain as i fire forth their name, "Snitz!" under my breath.

When Death Comes Knocking

So much has happened this past year; it's hard to know where to begin.

In February of 2012, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. It had metastasized to is ribcage, his outlook wasn't good. I decided that I should move down there to be with him. Call it divine inspiration, or call it, I have nothing better going for me up north, maybe I aught to move to another state and try my luck there inspiration. Anyway, I packed up the PT Cruiser and Quintin, my cat, and off we went. First stop, Lawrenceville, Georgia. My cousin, Sherri had been diagnosed with lung cancer in October of 2011, and her prognosis was even worse than my father's. She was receiving aggressive treatments, but to no avail. The cancer had its own mission. I arrived on February 28th, and on the 29th, we celebrated our birthdays that would be occurring on March 2nd and 3rd. She was in no mood to celebrate. She had a visit with the oncologist the next day, and she already knew what she was going to hear. She already knew the treatments weren't working, and that the cancer was spreading. I sat next to her on the couch after we blew out out candles. We sat there in silence as she stroked Foxie, the pug. I wanted to reach out for her hand, but I couldn't do it. It was there waiting for me, but I, regrettably missed the opportunity.

The next morning, March 1st, I left them all to continue on my trek. I turned back to look at the house, and watched as my cousin, her husband, and her older sister gathered on the porch before heading out to receive, what would be for her the inevitable. She knew it was coming. When I talked to her on what would be her last birthday, she told that she didn't want to receive anymore treatment, but she would continue to do so for her husband's sake. She suffered right to the very end. Her husband was against her going into hospice because he wanted to make sure he did everything he could do to try and save her. He even had a feeding tube put in her abdomen a week before she died. Her sister, Merle told me that she couldn't stay in the room to watch her die because she struggled with every breath. It was heartbreaking to hear. Sherri lost her battle to cancer in early July 2012.

 As for me, I had borrowed $500 to get me to florida, and after that, I had no idea what i was going to do. I tried in vain the entire month of March to get a job, only to find that my resume was a mess, and i had mistyped my phone number on a major job search, account profile. I did manage to secure something that would start in April. It was temporary part-time at Universal Studios working in Market Research. I would make $9/hour, but only working about three days a week. By the time April had rolled around, I moved from my father's place in Oviedo, to my cousin Merle's house located in Orlando.

The second night I was at my father's, my step-mother had informed me that I could only stay there for three weeks, and then I had to find some other place to live. I sat on the floor, shuffling around my things, and I could feel my face getting red. I had visions of us all living together, and going through this struggle as one. She said, "I can see how upset you are." I realized that she intentionally upset me. She was letting me know that I was not welcome to stay. After that evening, she would let me know in other ways how unwelcome I was. I was grateful when my cousin said I could stay at her house in Orlando. She was still in Georgia, Sherri was still alive, and I could help her son, Derrick with expenses once I started to make money. I planned to move the beginning of April. However, that was not soon enough for my step-mother. One day when I particularly got on her nerves, one day it was doing the dishes, I was wasting water. Another day it was leaving dishes in the sink, I'm attracting bugs. And then finally one day it was, "How soon can you move to Merle's, and can it be any sooner?  I could tell already that my divine mission was going to be a long one.