Sunday, November 6, 2011


have you ever read hannah, samuel's mother? she's found near the tent of meeting, on her knees mumbling prayers to gd. she was praying for a child.

i have found myself in the same position, sans tent of meeting, praying for love and companionship, until one day, i prayed for gd to take away my feelings for such things - after all, i've never had these things fulfilled, so why have the feelings at all?

so far, for the past year and a half, very little pain and suffering.  however, the past few days, those feelings of longing and emptiness have crept back into my life. i want to wrap myself in my own embrace for comfort.  again, i ask for gd to take away these feelings that have never been any use to me, but have only been a source of pain since as long as i can remember.

these terrible feelings use to consume me. i spent way too much time on friends' and therapists' couches, and even in my doctor's office crying about it.

it's not that i wouldn't love to have a companion, but those feelings of sadness and desperation are terrible...

the truth is, i don't feel like i am a good person deserving of such a love. i've been in situations where i've met men who were available, and i was never found appealing. I wasn't appealing. I was suffering from mental health problems that just made me a mess to be around.  medication has made me better, somewhat.  i'm still weird. i've been in situations where the opportunity was so close, but i pushed it away or behaved in such an outrageous manner, but that was my fear talking. how complicated it all is.

sometimes it's as if i'm 1000 stories high, trying to drop water from an eye-dropper into a dixie cup on the ground. someone i knew who had lost his ability to walk said that after a while he would watch people walk and wonder how they managed to hold themselves up on their sticks.  he said it all just seemed so odd. That's me with relationships. It's all so odd.