Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"you can't handle the truth!"

I am imperfect.  It's the most awesome, burden unloading truth I hold dear to my heart.  Not that it let's me off the hook, but acceptance is a powerful thing.

In my last post, I talked about wanting to write out my truths.  Then I started to realize, there's no way I'm  ever going to get to the heart of who I am.  Well, maybe I can uncover WHAT makes me tick, but I don't ever think I'm going to uncover WHY I tick that particular way.  

You know that question, "If there is one thing you could change about yourself...?"  We've all had our typical replies to the age old question.  Most replies involve wanting to get rid of bad habits and take on new, and hopefully better habits.  You may want to change jobs, locale, relationships, looks.  Sometimes people want to change their circumstances: richer, live off the land, greener - what have you.   And then there are those who just want to change their clothes.  "All's fine here! I wouldn't change a thing!"  I like to judge these people and call them "in denial".  

I've spent my entire life trying to change who I am.  My therapist, whom I've been fortunate enough to have for the past twenty years once said to me that she has watched as I have leveled and then rebuilt myself brick by brick.  It's taking me a very long time to understand what change I was actually going for.  I think I was afraid I would just be another copy of my mother, father, sister, and I was going to do whatever it took to make sure I wasn't one of them.  I was afraid as heck about who I was.  I was afraid that Jack Nicholson was right.  My truth was something that I would never discuss at a cocktail party, or even admit to myself in the dark.  I was afraid of the answer to "Who am I?"

Looking back, I don't thing I changed much.  Sure I've matured in ways that have made me very happy. And adding a mood altering drug has made life way better. But my "self" is no different than it has been since the beginning of my time.  However, up until now, wanting to know the "why" of my "self" has never ceased from my thoughts.  

I think I now know the answer to the question: "Why am I this way.  Why am I not a drug addict, shoplifter, murderer?  I think the movie "Capote" touches on the topic with great skill.   When Capote is sitting with the murder in his cell as he's dying, Capote realizes that they both came up in identical households.  However, Capote is struck to his core with the question "What made you go out the back door, and me go out the front door?  Why am I not a murderer like you?"  Great movie. Rent it.

Someone once said to me that we all contain Gd.  When you meet another person, you are essentially meeting GD.  Hmmm.  Well that doesn't help me much.  I mean, it sounds nice and all, but I know and understand less about the "why" of Gd then I do about my own "why".  So, maybe I wasn't really trying to change myself, but trying to do the impossible; trying to discover my true "self".  "Why do I tick that way?"  But maybe, like trying to understand Gd, it's impossible.  

So the answer to "why?" I'm starting to believe is this.  My subconscious (well, really everyones subconscious) has decided that it is best if I (we) didn't know the "why".  I sometimes think it says to me (you), "here is your (your plural) truth - spirituality, imperfection, a survivor, (add in your own truth) and you really don't need to know why. Just accept it for what it is."  In other words -you are who you are, now go and do something.  Besides, if we dwell on it too much, then maybe we too will end up drinking untold amounts of Old Grand Dad and baby food from jars.  Watch it. It really is a great movie.

Okay, sure - change your habits, jobs, relationships, MOVE, whatever, but remember that you are taking you with you.  There is a you that has set you on a path to where you are going.  It's like being equipped with an internal cruise control.  Don't fight it. Don't worry that you don't have what others have wrongly promised you.  You don't need whatever IT is.  Like Gd said to Avram, "Lech. Lecha"  Go. Go to you - loosely translated.  And like Gd replied to Avram when he asked, "well, where is it that I'm actually going, and how will I know when I get there"? (I'm paraphrasing).  Gd replies, (more paraphrasing) "Don't worry. I'll let you know when you're there."  BTW - This is also a good reply when someone asks you what the hell you are doing with your life.  If you are following your internal cruise control, then you can reply "Don't worry.  I'm on my way, and I'll let you know when I've arrived."  Piss them off even more.  Ha!  

Okay, there's more; it concerns Gd.  There is a truth about Gd and I want you all to know it, but it will have to wait.  Why? Because this truth is something you need to be prepared for.  You just can't hear it outright.  It would be irresponsible of me to just blurt it out.  I'll type it up tonight and stick it...I mean give it to you all tomorrow.  

I'm going to go now and play a game on facebook. Then I'm going to learn a little hebrew.  You all go and enjoy some reruns.



Saturday, August 27, 2011

this is my heart

sometimes i just want to write it all out. all the truth that sits in my heart.  not the emotional stuff of the wrong doing or hurt from a careless comment or behavior. that's all fleeting. i want to get out the truth about me. the truth about my life as i understand it.  all of the good and unformed parts.  

what is my truth.  can i get anymore existential?  does this sound too much like "who am I?" of course it does.  it's the ongoing, never ending question that is answered then changed? really? does it change so much, or do i think the answer changes because i never fully understand it. 

My life did not turn out like I was told it would.  I am not married and I have no children.  I do not own my own house.  Instead, I am single with never having had a significant relationship in my life.  At one point I thought my life would be nothing without a significant other and a child or children, but lately, while I am still open (i think) to finding a significant other, I'm pretty much past the having children part.  In fact, I've recently discovered that I really don't care for them. you have no freedom, and all your money and time is spent on them, and still they can turn out to take drugs and steal from you, or die or something, and ick.  that's more than i can handle.  

So, apparently, i like being able to go with the flow.  Financially, I've been all over the place. I've been up and down. I've hit skids and prayers answered.  The one truth I've learned about myself...I'm a survivor.  Life can be pretty shitty, but it's best to turn your nose up to bad times and keep moving towards bluer skies...yuck there i go falling into metaphors.  my first truth.  i survive because i don't see much point in being sad.  i've tried deliberately and i've had it foisted upon me thanks to a chemical imbalance.  it's scary, it sucks and it leads nowhere.  you only get sadder until you feel there is no hope.  turn your nose up to the blues, and keep moving on.

my second truth. i'm spiritual, but more than that, i whole heartedly believe in a gd.  the existence of a gd i feel to be a undeniable truth. although, i don't know why and i have no way of proving it, but i know it to be a truth.   i believe that all we do as human beings is some kind of step towards gd.  obviously there are steps that are taken that lead you away from gd, but all of our steps are definitely in relation to or away from gd.  

another truth. i am imperfect.  

oh. i hear that chinese food has arrived.  i'll be prophetic later.  first some fried rice.  

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Really morning? Really?

okay. so what the cat woke me up at 530 to eat. after i walked up stairs i start to see the trash from the steps into the kitchen. SOMEBODY left the trash compactor door open and the dogs took out what they could and covered a quarter of the kitchen floor with it. okay, fine. i cleaned it up. EVEN THOUGH i let the dogs out last night, one of them (Macy) pooped on the floor - TWICE. when you're a small dog, your small poops give you away every time bitch. fine. i picked it up. took the trash out to the my underwear, because i didn't feel like putting pants on thank you very much...helloooo neighbor! whatever, he drinks. i doubt he'll remember. fine. put trash compactor bag into compactor and OUCH! sliced my thumb on a lid to a can of cat food. of course it's on the tip, and i'm wearing six bandaids just to keep the blood spill to a minimum. 

really morning? really?

good thing i'm laughing as i type this.  good thing i have a sense of humor.