I am a spiritual person. I believe in Gd, I attend synagogue, lead services. I pray.
Tonight, I decided I would attend the chanting circle at my synagogue. I needed to learn some new chants, since my one chant wasn't containing all that has been boiling over inside of me. I also have been wanting to create prints for chants, hoping to sell them to the chanting community in Elkins Park, and surrounding cities.
But I need to back up. A month ago I was fired from my job. It was a blessing. I believe in blessings, and this was a biggie. A month before that, my sister was locked up. She had a technical violation of her probation. She is on probation because she assaulted me, and tried to steal from me. I pressed charges. She violated her probation, and now she sits in prison.A couple of months before that, our mother died. And since our mother is dead, I'm now my sister's best friend.
I rushed like mad to see my sister. You must sign in at Riverside Correctional Facility by 5 pm. I got there at 4:51 pm. I hugged her, and then we sat together for about an hour, me listening to her talk about how she was starting to lose it. And then she told me how she envisioned us living together. This was a long time ago, when she was coming up from Florida to move in with me. I was so hopeful that she wanted a better life, but then she brought up things that reminded me of the pain.She blurted out how everyone was freaking out about Billy Gray, the junkie running from the cops for assaulting a pimp. She left Florida, and her 11 year old daughter to chase after him. She hoped that he could just hide out with us, And then she started to ramble about how he was in prison (he was captured and arrested before she arrived) and wasn't going to cause any problems. Then she talked again how she envisioned me, Jessica and her living together. She didn't want me to move out, then she started to skip stories, and mash everything together. She left out all the violence, drug use, and utter chaos. These stories go back ten years, but it's the drug use that made her assault me, and steal a check, and try to cash it. According to her, it was the hormones that made her do it. Me, I'm pretty sure it was the heroin.
I left there, my mind racing. I wanted to scream and laugh like a crazy person. I stopped at Wawa on my way to the chanting circle, and ended up having a food binge in my car.
Tonight, I decided I would attend the chanting circle at my synagogue. I needed to learn some new chants, since my one chant wasn't containing all that has been boiling over inside of me. I also have been wanting to create prints for chants, hoping to sell them to the chanting community in Elkins Park, and surrounding cities.
But I need to back up. A month ago I was fired from my job. It was a blessing. I believe in blessings, and this was a biggie. A month before that, my sister was locked up. She had a technical violation of her probation. She is on probation because she assaulted me, and tried to steal from me. I pressed charges. She violated her probation, and now she sits in prison.A couple of months before that, our mother died. And since our mother is dead, I'm now my sister's best friend.
I rushed like mad to see my sister. You must sign in at Riverside Correctional Facility by 5 pm. I got there at 4:51 pm. I hugged her, and then we sat together for about an hour, me listening to her talk about how she was starting to lose it. And then she told me how she envisioned us living together. This was a long time ago, when she was coming up from Florida to move in with me. I was so hopeful that she wanted a better life, but then she brought up things that reminded me of the pain.She blurted out how everyone was freaking out about Billy Gray, the junkie running from the cops for assaulting a pimp. She left Florida, and her 11 year old daughter to chase after him. She hoped that he could just hide out with us, And then she started to ramble about how he was in prison (he was captured and arrested before she arrived) and wasn't going to cause any problems. Then she talked again how she envisioned me, Jessica and her living together. She didn't want me to move out, then she started to skip stories, and mash everything together. She left out all the violence, drug use, and utter chaos. These stories go back ten years, but it's the drug use that made her assault me, and steal a check, and try to cash it. According to her, it was the hormones that made her do it. Me, I'm pretty sure it was the heroin.
I left there, my mind racing. I wanted to scream and laugh like a crazy person. I stopped at Wawa on my way to the chanting circle, and ended up having a food binge in my car.
The circle was made up of a small group of women in their 50s and 60s. As usual, I was the youngest at 48. Now, I don't want to judge, because I know that you don't know what folks are dealing with, but my shit felt pretty heavy, and the leader was talking about flitting around the house, and all of a sudden being over taken by joy. That was her moment of enlightenment. It didn't disgust me. That's her life, and good on her that she doesn't have to deal with my bullshit. When we went around and talked about why we are here, I said that I have a lot of energy that i need to contain with music, and I needed to add to my repertoire. When I said that I have a lot of energy, she said, "I can see that." Here I thought I was holding it together.
Why so violent? That is the thing about me, it's right there, underneath, waiting to be unleashed. The violence. Unchecked rage. Greatness. That is there too. So I sing. I feel the jubilant vibration in my chest. I need that vibration to become louder, stronger than the rage.
Why so violent? That is the thing about me, it's right there, underneath, waiting to be unleashed. The violence. Unchecked rage. Greatness. That is there too. So I sing. I feel the jubilant vibration in my chest. I need that vibration to become louder, stronger than the rage.
Today, June 28, 2020: I know the rage is still there, but she is more of a sulker than a rager. I see her pain, her disheveled hair, tear stained face. I look at her with compassion. I tell her that we are okay. We made it through that terrible time. I hold her, and hug her. She breathes a sigh of release, I feel her tension subside. We both cry.
