If you could see where I'm starting from. One tiny room with all of my belongings. I'm on the third floor of my step father's home. I keep the door closed, trying to keep out the stench of cigarette smoke. I have an air purifier going, and I spritz the room with perfume a couple of times per day.
There's no bed, so for now I'm on the floor. It's actually not too bad. As long as I am able to catch a large chunk of uninterrupted sleep, I have no problem with sleeping on the floor.
My next challege will be paying my car insurance, parking ticket and meds. Giving up is not an option.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Beginning again and again and again
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Not loving this
I just finished chanting how my soul that Gd has given me, she is so pure. This is to bring me back from the brink of hate that was filling my thoughts. The hate I feel towards my life. Feeling trapped on walker street with those who do not care for me. I am glad I have a place to stay this night. It is cold out and the ground is covered in snow. I am grateful and sad. Once again I am surrounded and disliked. I'm not loving this.
Monday, December 31, 2012
I'm starting off the new year with just under $14.00. I just counted it and put it in my tiny change purse I bought at Ten Thousand Villages years ago when I had a job. It will grow. My room is in order, and I am ready to get down to work on what it is I am here to do. Now i f I could just figure out what that is.
Friday, December 21, 2012
on friday nights, i like to pull into the shul's parking lot and curse the Snitz family. They have a reserved spot amongst a bank of parking spaces near the entrance to the building. Since I've been attending, the parking spot has been empty. In the beginning, i would explain to myself why i was cursing them, "Gd damn Snitz. they'er probably not even coming tonight." And then my words became fewer. soon it was just riding past the reserved, abandon spot at exhaling, "fucking Snitz." Now i just coat my tone with disdain as i fire forth their name, "Snitz!" under my breath.
When Death Comes Knocking
So much has happened this past year; it's hard to know where to begin.
In February of 2012, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. It had metastasized to is ribcage, his outlook wasn't good. I decided that I should move down there to be with him. Call it divine inspiration, or call it, I have nothing better going for me up north, maybe I aught to move to another state and try my luck there inspiration. Anyway, I packed up the PT Cruiser and Quintin, my cat, and off we went. First stop, Lawrenceville, Georgia. My cousin, Sherri had been diagnosed with lung cancer in October of 2011, and her prognosis was even worse than my father's. She was receiving aggressive treatments, but to no avail. The cancer had its own mission. I arrived on February 28th, and on the 29th, we celebrated our birthdays that would be occurring on March 2nd and 3rd. She was in no mood to celebrate. She had a visit with the oncologist the next day, and she already knew what she was going to hear. She already knew the treatments weren't working, and that the cancer was spreading. I sat next to her on the couch after we blew out out candles. We sat there in silence as she stroked Foxie, the pug. I wanted to reach out for her hand, but I couldn't do it. It was there waiting for me, but I, regrettably missed the opportunity.
The next morning, March 1st, I left them all to continue on my trek. I turned back to look at the house, and watched as my cousin, her husband, and her older sister gathered on the porch before heading out to receive, what would be for her the inevitable. She knew it was coming. When I talked to her on what would be her last birthday, she told that she didn't want to receive anymore treatment, but she would continue to do so for her husband's sake. She suffered right to the very end. Her husband was against her going into hospice because he wanted to make sure he did everything he could do to try and save her. He even had a feeding tube put in her abdomen a week before she died. Her sister, Merle told me that she couldn't stay in the room to watch her die because she struggled with every breath. It was heartbreaking to hear. Sherri lost her battle to cancer in early July 2012.
As for me, I had borrowed $500 to get me to florida, and after that, I had no idea what i was going to do. I tried in vain the entire month of March to get a job, only to find that my resume was a mess, and i had mistyped my phone number on a major job search, account profile. I did manage to secure something that would start in April. It was temporary part-time at Universal Studios working in Market Research. I would make $9/hour, but only working about three days a week. By the time April had rolled around, I moved from my father's place in Oviedo, to my cousin Merle's house located in Orlando.
The second night I was at my father's, my step-mother had informed me that I could only stay there for three weeks, and then I had to find some other place to live. I sat on the floor, shuffling around my things, and I could feel my face getting red. I had visions of us all living together, and going through this struggle as one. She said, "I can see how upset you are." I realized that she intentionally upset me. She was letting me know that I was not welcome to stay. After that evening, she would let me know in other ways how unwelcome I was. I was grateful when my cousin said I could stay at her house in Orlando. She was still in Georgia, Sherri was still alive, and I could help her son, Derrick with expenses once I started to make money. I planned to move the beginning of April. However, that was not soon enough for my step-mother. One day when I particularly got on her nerves, one day it was doing the dishes, I was wasting water. Another day it was leaving dishes in the sink, I'm attracting bugs. And then finally one day it was, "How soon can you move to Merle's, and can it be any sooner? I could tell already that my divine mission was going to be a long one.
In February of 2012, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. It had metastasized to is ribcage, his outlook wasn't good. I decided that I should move down there to be with him. Call it divine inspiration, or call it, I have nothing better going for me up north, maybe I aught to move to another state and try my luck there inspiration. Anyway, I packed up the PT Cruiser and Quintin, my cat, and off we went. First stop, Lawrenceville, Georgia. My cousin, Sherri had been diagnosed with lung cancer in October of 2011, and her prognosis was even worse than my father's. She was receiving aggressive treatments, but to no avail. The cancer had its own mission. I arrived on February 28th, and on the 29th, we celebrated our birthdays that would be occurring on March 2nd and 3rd. She was in no mood to celebrate. She had a visit with the oncologist the next day, and she already knew what she was going to hear. She already knew the treatments weren't working, and that the cancer was spreading. I sat next to her on the couch after we blew out out candles. We sat there in silence as she stroked Foxie, the pug. I wanted to reach out for her hand, but I couldn't do it. It was there waiting for me, but I, regrettably missed the opportunity.
The next morning, March 1st, I left them all to continue on my trek. I turned back to look at the house, and watched as my cousin, her husband, and her older sister gathered on the porch before heading out to receive, what would be for her the inevitable. She knew it was coming. When I talked to her on what would be her last birthday, she told that she didn't want to receive anymore treatment, but she would continue to do so for her husband's sake. She suffered right to the very end. Her husband was against her going into hospice because he wanted to make sure he did everything he could do to try and save her. He even had a feeding tube put in her abdomen a week before she died. Her sister, Merle told me that she couldn't stay in the room to watch her die because she struggled with every breath. It was heartbreaking to hear. Sherri lost her battle to cancer in early July 2012.
As for me, I had borrowed $500 to get me to florida, and after that, I had no idea what i was going to do. I tried in vain the entire month of March to get a job, only to find that my resume was a mess, and i had mistyped my phone number on a major job search, account profile. I did manage to secure something that would start in April. It was temporary part-time at Universal Studios working in Market Research. I would make $9/hour, but only working about three days a week. By the time April had rolled around, I moved from my father's place in Oviedo, to my cousin Merle's house located in Orlando.
The second night I was at my father's, my step-mother had informed me that I could only stay there for three weeks, and then I had to find some other place to live. I sat on the floor, shuffling around my things, and I could feel my face getting red. I had visions of us all living together, and going through this struggle as one. She said, "I can see how upset you are." I realized that she intentionally upset me. She was letting me know that I was not welcome to stay. After that evening, she would let me know in other ways how unwelcome I was. I was grateful when my cousin said I could stay at her house in Orlando. She was still in Georgia, Sherri was still alive, and I could help her son, Derrick with expenses once I started to make money. I planned to move the beginning of April. However, that was not soon enough for my step-mother. One day when I particularly got on her nerves, one day it was doing the dishes, I was wasting water. Another day it was leaving dishes in the sink, I'm attracting bugs. And then finally one day it was, "How soon can you move to Merle's, and can it be any sooner? I could tell already that my divine mission was going to be a long one.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
daily grind
There is so much to post. I should really be posting each day to keep track of my own progress towards my goals in life.
I didn't have anything to do with the ponies today. It felt weird, and I felt lost, but I've been feeling lost a lot lately. I used to think that I could achieve anything, but since I have failed to land that job or any other job, I've been shaken, right down to my core of self worth.
My time with the ponies has meant a lot to me. Getting to know their personalities and being a part of their care makes me feel special (which I'm needing a bit of) and has brought me satisfaction that I've choses wisely my career path.
I applied for an internship position with a local farm. Snipes farm is a fifteen generation farm that has received a 5 0 C 3 status. It can now house and pay for interns, and it has an education center. I met with the person running the internship program, and I think I could learn a lot with this program. I hope I get it, but I won't know until the end of January. That's cutting it close if I want to apply to other programs, but I guess that's how it goes.
It's traveling with my cat. It's a deal breaker for most places I apply too.
well, tomorrow i will start daily blogging so i can capture my farm experiences when they are fresh.
I didn't have anything to do with the ponies today. It felt weird, and I felt lost, but I've been feeling lost a lot lately. I used to think that I could achieve anything, but since I have failed to land that job or any other job, I've been shaken, right down to my core of self worth.
My time with the ponies has meant a lot to me. Getting to know their personalities and being a part of their care makes me feel special (which I'm needing a bit of) and has brought me satisfaction that I've choses wisely my career path.
I applied for an internship position with a local farm. Snipes farm is a fifteen generation farm that has received a 5 0 C 3 status. It can now house and pay for interns, and it has an education center. I met with the person running the internship program, and I think I could learn a lot with this program. I hope I get it, but I won't know until the end of January. That's cutting it close if I want to apply to other programs, but I guess that's how it goes.
It's traveling with my cat. It's a deal breaker for most places I apply too.
well, tomorrow i will start daily blogging so i can capture my farm experiences when they are fresh.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Hara! Isn't always a celebration
I've been struggling so much lately in my relationship with my seventeen year old niece. I've been so frustrated and angry that I forgot about my Gd glasses. Without Gd glasses, my struggle with is just a tire turning in the mud. Struggle is inherent. No one is immune to it, and I am, after all an Israelite, and it is in my heritage. However, as one mitzveh, begets another, my problem is my engagement into my yetzer hara. I have done very little in way of prayer lately. I have even neglected my home observances, which is to say, my mezzuah, and its contents have gone mostly ignored - and it has taken its toll. who am i to think that my soul can work without nourishment? who am i to think that i can approach the world alone?
I usually say this, but this is one of my ultimate truths, Jacob's journey home.
When Jacob arrives at a place on his way to haron, he decides to take a rest. at that moment, when Jacob has done nothing but look at his world with mortal eyes, gets a glimpse at a through Gd's gaze. "Gd must have been in this place, and i did not know it." The rocks know better, "Here is a tzadik. Let him rest his head against me." Even though Jacob has done nothing but deceive and steal from those who are close to him, the rocks know better. They saw with Gd glasses, a righteous man.
However, Jacob only gets a glimpse of holiness. When he arrives at his destination, the deceiver is deceived, and in turn, Jacob deceives and steals again. A recurring theme that lasts most of his life. Fortunately, it is not too late for Jacob to again experience holiness and revelation. Even after a lifetime of deceit.
As he approaches his childhood home, he is unsure if his brother, Esau has forgiven him. Jacob sends scouts ahead, bearing gifts, and to size up Esau's mood. The scouts are greeted by Esau...and 400 of his men...and report back to Jacob. "Ehhh. things, they don't look so good." Jacob, with his limited vision, decides to take action. He divides all he possess: wives, children, slaves and cattle, and sends messengers out, again, bearing gifts. no change.
Now what we know of Esau is that he is barbaric. This is why Rebecca wanted Jacob, the scholar to lead the family. But Easu has 400 men behind him. Esau is a wealthy man, and head of his family. The deception of Jacob was twenty years ago. He has accepted Jacob's gifts, but is cautious about Jacob. Is he planning to deceive him again. Will Jacob mount an attack, even though he bears gifts? He is not so barbaric. Their history together was a lifetime ago, Esau wants to know, has Jacob changed? Should he trust him? Maybe Esau is a bruit, but he is a wealthy man, and has successfully grown and led his family, so maybe he is wise as well.
Jacob hearing that Esau still waits for him with 400 men, he is perplexed. "What should I do?" He tries to scheme how he can get his brother to stand down, and accept his return to the family with love and compassion? He needs to go off and think. He needs to go and reflect. He needs to stop shuffling around chairs on the titanic, and possibly take another approach. Maybe he needs to figure out how to get off the boat (what a horrible analogy. My apologies). But maybe he needs to view the situation from another point of view.
His transformation.
Jacob is visited by an angel, or he sees an angel, stops him and wrestles. He wrestles all night long, and when the day is dawning, and about to bring the same situation to Jacob's feet, he grabs the angel, refusing to let him go, and he demands to be blessed. Why? What is a blessing going to do for him? What does he hope to gain from this blessing? The angel informs him, "Hey! I already blessed you, now let me go!".
"No! do it again! bless me!"
The angel relents, and makes it more clear - I bless you and rename you Israel. For you have struggled with Gd.
In his asking to be blessed, Jacob is asking for more. He wants holiness. the angel reminds him. Man! you already got it!
Jacob is like, "But i missed it the first time. Do it again. And this time, make me see it!"
The second time, Jacob's eyes open, that is to say, his heart is open. a layer of this mortal world has been freed from his neshama, and he now sees what the rocks had seen. He now sees a righteous man, but not only in himself, but in his brother, Esau as well. Jacob sees now with Gd's eyes.
With this clearer, holier vision, Jacob approaches his brother not with a sword, but with humility for what he had done to his brother and his father. he and esau embrace each other. they kiss, and they weep. After twenty years of isolation and past hurts, our patriarch accepts his holiness, his humility, and now sees with love.
Easy! Right?!
Jacob's example is repeated again in Joshua, but it's an important lesson. We should never go it alone. Our mortal vision is not enough. Don't only revere Jacob. Show him the most sincerest form of flattery, and do what he has done. Reflect. Reclaim your name, Israelite, see that Gd has been here - for this place, this person is surely blessed.
I usually say this, but this is one of my ultimate truths, Jacob's journey home.
When Jacob arrives at a place on his way to haron, he decides to take a rest. at that moment, when Jacob has done nothing but look at his world with mortal eyes, gets a glimpse at a through Gd's gaze. "Gd must have been in this place, and i did not know it." The rocks know better, "Here is a tzadik. Let him rest his head against me." Even though Jacob has done nothing but deceive and steal from those who are close to him, the rocks know better. They saw with Gd glasses, a righteous man.
However, Jacob only gets a glimpse of holiness. When he arrives at his destination, the deceiver is deceived, and in turn, Jacob deceives and steals again. A recurring theme that lasts most of his life. Fortunately, it is not too late for Jacob to again experience holiness and revelation. Even after a lifetime of deceit.
As he approaches his childhood home, he is unsure if his brother, Esau has forgiven him. Jacob sends scouts ahead, bearing gifts, and to size up Esau's mood. The scouts are greeted by Esau...and 400 of his men...and report back to Jacob. "Ehhh. things, they don't look so good." Jacob, with his limited vision, decides to take action. He divides all he possess: wives, children, slaves and cattle, and sends messengers out, again, bearing gifts. no change.
Now what we know of Esau is that he is barbaric. This is why Rebecca wanted Jacob, the scholar to lead the family. But Easu has 400 men behind him. Esau is a wealthy man, and head of his family. The deception of Jacob was twenty years ago. He has accepted Jacob's gifts, but is cautious about Jacob. Is he planning to deceive him again. Will Jacob mount an attack, even though he bears gifts? He is not so barbaric. Their history together was a lifetime ago, Esau wants to know, has Jacob changed? Should he trust him? Maybe Esau is a bruit, but he is a wealthy man, and has successfully grown and led his family, so maybe he is wise as well.
Jacob hearing that Esau still waits for him with 400 men, he is perplexed. "What should I do?" He tries to scheme how he can get his brother to stand down, and accept his return to the family with love and compassion? He needs to go off and think. He needs to go and reflect. He needs to stop shuffling around chairs on the titanic, and possibly take another approach. Maybe he needs to figure out how to get off the boat (what a horrible analogy. My apologies). But maybe he needs to view the situation from another point of view.
His transformation.
Jacob is visited by an angel, or he sees an angel, stops him and wrestles. He wrestles all night long, and when the day is dawning, and about to bring the same situation to Jacob's feet, he grabs the angel, refusing to let him go, and he demands to be blessed. Why? What is a blessing going to do for him? What does he hope to gain from this blessing? The angel informs him, "Hey! I already blessed you, now let me go!".
"No! do it again! bless me!"
The angel relents, and makes it more clear - I bless you and rename you Israel. For you have struggled with Gd.
In his asking to be blessed, Jacob is asking for more. He wants holiness. the angel reminds him. Man! you already got it!
Jacob is like, "But i missed it the first time. Do it again. And this time, make me see it!"
The second time, Jacob's eyes open, that is to say, his heart is open. a layer of this mortal world has been freed from his neshama, and he now sees what the rocks had seen. He now sees a righteous man, but not only in himself, but in his brother, Esau as well. Jacob sees now with Gd's eyes.
With this clearer, holier vision, Jacob approaches his brother not with a sword, but with humility for what he had done to his brother and his father. he and esau embrace each other. they kiss, and they weep. After twenty years of isolation and past hurts, our patriarch accepts his holiness, his humility, and now sees with love.
Easy! Right?!
Jacob's example is repeated again in Joshua, but it's an important lesson. We should never go it alone. Our mortal vision is not enough. Don't only revere Jacob. Show him the most sincerest form of flattery, and do what he has done. Reflect. Reclaim your name, Israelite, see that Gd has been here - for this place, this person is surely blessed.
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