Saturday, August 27, 2011

this is my heart

sometimes i just want to write it all out. all the truth that sits in my heart.  not the emotional stuff of the wrong doing or hurt from a careless comment or behavior. that's all fleeting. i want to get out the truth about me. the truth about my life as i understand it.  all of the good and unformed parts.  

what is my truth.  can i get anymore existential?  does this sound too much like "who am I?" of course it does.  it's the ongoing, never ending question that is answered then changed? really? does it change so much, or do i think the answer changes because i never fully understand it. 

My life did not turn out like I was told it would.  I am not married and I have no children.  I do not own my own house.  Instead, I am single with never having had a significant relationship in my life.  At one point I thought my life would be nothing without a significant other and a child or children, but lately, while I am still open (i think) to finding a significant other, I'm pretty much past the having children part.  In fact, I've recently discovered that I really don't care for them. you have no freedom, and all your money and time is spent on them, and still they can turn out to take drugs and steal from you, or die or something, and ick.  that's more than i can handle.  

So, apparently, i like being able to go with the flow.  Financially, I've been all over the place. I've been up and down. I've hit skids and prayers answered.  The one truth I've learned about myself...I'm a survivor.  Life can be pretty shitty, but it's best to turn your nose up to bad times and keep moving towards bluer skies...yuck there i go falling into metaphors.  my first truth.  i survive because i don't see much point in being sad.  i've tried deliberately and i've had it foisted upon me thanks to a chemical imbalance.  it's scary, it sucks and it leads nowhere.  you only get sadder until you feel there is no hope.  turn your nose up to the blues, and keep moving on.

my second truth. i'm spiritual, but more than that, i whole heartedly believe in a gd.  the existence of a gd i feel to be a undeniable truth. although, i don't know why and i have no way of proving it, but i know it to be a truth.   i believe that all we do as human beings is some kind of step towards gd.  obviously there are steps that are taken that lead you away from gd, but all of our steps are definitely in relation to or away from gd.  

another truth. i am imperfect.  

oh. i hear that chinese food has arrived.  i'll be prophetic later.  first some fried rice.  

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