Sunday, November 15, 2009

Comfort

Two and a half years ago I converted to Judaism. I was raised a Catholic, and schooled by my Italian grandmother on the kindness and service of Jesus - I was given my own personal Gd. One of the reasons I converted was to get closer to the world of Gd, without having to go through the "Son". The problem? Having a Savior. Or, in this case, giving up a Savior. Not someone who saves you from sin, but someone who saves you from yourself. When you are consumed with anger or grief, you unburden yourself to a man with a compassionate face, an open heart, and open arms. Recently, due to certain events, I've been asking myself, "Where can comfort be found in Judaism?"

Someone I knew a very long time ago died back in March 2009. I found out about a month ago. This someone saw something good in me when I was fifteen and felt there was no hope for me. Now, after twenty-five years, I am struggling with a new understanding of him and myself. So, how come I found him, and why is he dead?

I found his obituary. It told me of his past twenty-five years. The year after we had our very brief romance, he met a woman. Five years after that, they moved to Florida and they married. They were together the morning of the car accident, which also happened to be the morning of his fortiforth birthday. She escaped with minor injuries, and he was dead at the scene. He left behind so many people that loved him, and who referred to him as a "gentle giant". I had painted him as a cad. I found a recent picture of him. He has the same sparkling eyes as a beloved uncle of mine. A good person cared about me.

This is all coming at a strange time in my life. I've just been laid off from a job I held for eleven and a half years, and I am now daily charting my own course in life. Terrifying at best, and now I am reviewing myself as a troubled and tortured fifteen year old...back to finding comfort in a personal Gd. After learning of his death, I was looking for pictures of him on friends and relatives facebook pages. I came across a recording of a Christian spiritual called "I Bid You Goodnight".

Lay down my dear brother. Lay down and take your rest.
I'm gonna lay your head upon your savior's breast.
I love you, but Jesus loves you best.
I bid you goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.

One of these mornings bright and early and soon
I'm picking up the spirits on the shore beyond
Go walking in the valley of the shadow of death
He's riding a staff gonna comfort me.
Join the wise, there's a soul to find.
Lord send a fire, not a flood next time
Leave for the ark, that wonderful boat.
She's really taken water, getting ready to float
I'm praying for the best at the ending of the world
He loved the children that would not be good.
And I know rather well, I know right well.
I went walking to Jerusalem just like John.

Lay down my dear brother. Lay down and take your rest.
I'm gonna lay your head upon your savior's breast.
I love you, but Jesus loves you best.
I bid you goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.

I've spent the past month singing this spiritual over and over again. It brings me comfort to think of him with his savior. But where does that leave me? Where do I receive my comfort?

Note to self - Look in Torah, and find passages regarding unburdening yourself to Gd.

No comments:

Post a Comment