How's this for a bad day?

today i will  close my door and cry. there are so many things i keep at bay, and today i've been pushed to the limit.

i haven't been able to find work, and when i do, my sister n law tells me the position i'm about to take is wrong, and i shouldn't do it. then my niece continues to treat me rudely, even though i'm about to drive her to work, only to end up calling me a bitch. calling me a bitch! a bitch! i am not a bitch! i don't want to take her to work, or have anything to do with her. have your grandmother put some fucking clothes on and take you to work. i am failing in dealing with the teenager. my personality is not strong enough. does that make me weak? i'm 42 years old, and i feel weak. i just won't be home all day, then there won't be any problem with having to ask me to take her. is that being cowardly? calling my mother. no answer.

i feel like a failure as a human being. i've never been able to establish an intimate relationship, and i'm not even good with friendships. i don't know how to give of myself. i'm at risk for all types of cancers, since i've never been on the pill or have been pregnant. i have a spot on my finger that i'm afraid is cancerous, but i no longer have insurance. even at my job, i wasn't good at it. i just couldn't hold my own, and spent a lot of my time online or talking to friends.

this past year has been a flop. i make poor decisions. in hindsight, if i moved out of the trailer, and took an apartment somewhere, I possibly could have stayed at the farm. and told them that i wouldn't be doing the markets. if they said no, then i could look back without regret. and at bobolink farm, if i just did the cows and not the shop.

i still feel sick about simba.

was it my mania that made me do all of those things? if i were normal, then would i have not made so many errors in my decision making? i sometimes wish i would die. i just feel like a failure as a human being. let the others take my place and contribute to this world. i just can't.

i cried today. when my brother called, i cried to him. when my mother returned my call, i cried to her. i know i'm not done crying. i won't be for a long time. i'm usually a happy person, but today, i can't remember what that happiness feels like.

i feel rage.

my mother tells me that there are so many things i have accomplished. none of it feels like an accomplishment. i feel like a failure. what is a human being supposed to be doing? i don't know what it is i'm supposed to be doing. we're not supposed to be alone. fail. marry. fail. have children. fail.

so now i'm trying to be as productive as i can be where i am living, but only to be kicked. i don't want to be kicked. i don't want to have to fight. i want to live in harmony with the world. how can i live in harmony with the world? i'm so small. i feel so lost and insignificant.

Time is flying

It certainly has been a while since I've posted. It's too bad that I'm not more consistent, there are a lot of great things happening, and I should document them.


My involvement in caring for the ponies and the little fellabella we have has deepened.  You notice how I include myself in ownership.  I'm really just a worker, but I take my involvement seriously.  If only I could write more on that particular strain of thought, but it's best to keep it safe.


I've decided to take some books out of the library to increase my knowledge on the care of horses and ponies. I need to know more about feeding. I think one pony is getting too much, and the other, not enough. Other things I'm learning more about involve grooming and anatomy.  I'm also trying my hand at discipline. I want to learn proper techniques since I'm usually exposed to methods that I find questionable. 


My schedule typically involves taking care of them in the morning, and my sister n law and niece take over the evening care.  If they are out in the pasture all day, then all the evening shift needs to do is bring them in, and provide feed and hay.  Their stalls are already clean as are their water buckets - which are also full of fresh water. If they are in their stalls all day long, then they need to have their stalls mucked and water buckets filled in addition to feeding. Usually I'm greeted in the morning to a full wheel barrel and tack lying around waiting to be put away. 


My time in the mornings have become longer. I think I'll start bringing my computer, books and knitting/cross-stitch to start feeding in the afternoon and maybe take over the evening. 


I need to start planning for next years garden. I still want to have one at the barn. On the side of the barn I can plant an herb garden. I think if I start from seed now, they'll be ready to plant by the spring. 


I'm also going to put a garden on my brother's property.  My sister n law thinks I'm going to need to fence it all in to keep out the deer, but I can do low tunnels and other deterrents.


On the downside, I have no money. I've lost my insurance, I have loan payments due, and I need to buy my medication next week. My brother and sister n law have been helping out with most of my expenses, but it's been an emotional burden that I can't fully express. I need some financial freedom. 


Finding a job has been very difficult. Even with my experience, I have not been able to get back into public health. Just as well I suppose, but I really would have liked the income.


I haven't been able to score any non-skilled jobs either. That part has been very depressing. 


If only I could summon the courage to do some of the things I've been desiring.  The pie making, scarves, pasta...all of these things I should be doing.  I haven't been making any solid plans.  

Odd

have you ever read hannah, samuel's mother? she's found near the tent of meeting, on her knees mumbling prayers to gd. she was praying for a child.

i have found myself in the same position, sans tent of meeting, praying for love and companionship, until one day, i prayed for gd to take away my feelings for such things - after all, i've never had these things fulfilled, so why have the feelings at all?

so far, for the past year and a half, very little pain and suffering.  however, the past few days, those feelings of longing and emptiness have crept back into my life. i want to wrap myself in my own embrace for comfort.  again, i ask for gd to take away these feelings that have never been any use to me, but have only been a source of pain since as long as i can remember.

these terrible feelings use to consume me. i spent way too much time on friends' and therapists' couches, and even in my doctor's office crying about it.

it's not that i wouldn't love to have a companion, but those feelings of sadness and desperation are terrible...

the truth is, i don't feel like i am a good person deserving of such a love. i've been in situations where i've met men who were available, and i was never found appealing. I wasn't appealing. I was suffering from mental health problems that just made me a mess to be around.  medication has made me better, somewhat.  i'm still weird. i've been in situations where the opportunity was so close, but i pushed it away or behaved in such an outrageous manner, but that was my fear talking. how complicated it all is.

sometimes it's as if i'm 1000 stories high, trying to drop water from an eye-dropper into a dixie cup on the ground. someone i knew who had lost his ability to walk said that after a while he would watch people walk and wonder how they managed to hold themselves up on their sticks.  he said it all just seemed so odd. That's me with relationships. It's all so odd.

"you can't handle the truth!"

I am imperfect.  It's the most awesome, burden unloading truth I hold dear to my heart.  Not that it let's me off the hook, but acceptance is a powerful thing.


In my last post, I talked about wanting to write out my truths.  Then I started to realize, there's no way I'm  ever going to get to the heart of who I am.  Well, maybe I can uncover WHAT makes me tick, but I don't ever think I'm going to uncover WHY I tick that particular way.  


You know that question, "If there is one thing you could change about yourself...?"  We've all had our typical replies to the age old question.  Most replies involve wanting to get rid of bad habits and take on new, and hopefully better habits.  You may want to change jobs, locale, relationships, looks.  Sometimes people want to change their circumstances: richer, live off the land, greener - what have you.   And then there are those who just want to change their clothes.  "All's fine here! I wouldn't change a thing!"  I like to judge these people and call them "in denial".  


I've spent my entire life trying to change who I am.  My therapist, whom I've been fortunate enough to have for the past twenty years once said to me that she has watched as I have leveled and then rebuilt myself brick by brick.  It's taking me a very long time to understand what change I was actually going for.  I think I was afraid I would just be another copy of my mother, father, sister, and I was going to do whatever it took to make sure I wasn't one of them.  I was afraid as heck about who I was.  I was afraid that Jack Nicholson was right.  My truth was something that I would never discuss at a cocktail party, or even admit to myself in the dark.  I was afraid of the answer to "Who am I?"


Looking back, I don't thing I changed much.  Sure I've matured in ways that have made me very happy. And adding a mood altering drug has made life way better. But my "self" is no different than it has been since the beginning of my time.  However, up until now, wanting to know the "why" of my "self" has never ceased from my thoughts.  


I think I now know the answer to the question: "Why am I this way.  Why am I not a drug addict, shoplifter, murderer?  I think the movie "Capote" touches on the topic with great skill.   When Capote is sitting with the murder in his cell as he's dying, Capote realizes that they both came up in identical households.  However, Capote is struck to his core with the question "What made you go out the back door, and me go out the front door?  Why am I not a murderer like you?"  Great movie. Rent it.


Someone once said to me that we all contain Gd.  When you meet another person, you are essentially meeting GD.  Hmmm.  Well that doesn't help me much.  I mean, it sounds nice and all, but I know and understand less about the "why" of Gd then I do about my own "why".  So, maybe I wasn't really trying to change myself, but trying to do the impossible; trying to discover my true "self".  "Why do I tick that way?"  But maybe, like trying to understand Gd, it's impossible.  


So the answer to "why?" I'm starting to believe is this.  My subconscious (well, really everyones subconscious) has decided that it is best if I (we) didn't know the "why".  I sometimes think it says to me (you), "here is your (your plural) truth - spirituality, imperfection, a survivor, (add in your own truth) and you really don't need to know why. Just accept it for what it is."  In other words -you are who you are, now go and do something.  Besides, if we dwell on it too much, then maybe we too will end up drinking untold amounts of Old Grand Dad and baby food from jars.  Watch it. It really is a great movie.


Okay, sure - change your habits, jobs, relationships, MOVE, whatever, but remember that you are taking you with you.  There is a you that has set you on a path to where you are going.  It's like being equipped with an internal cruise control.  Don't fight it. Don't worry that you don't have what others have wrongly promised you.  You don't need whatever IT is.  Like Gd said to Avram, "Lech. Lecha"  Go. Go to you - loosely translated.  And like Gd replied to Avram when he asked, "well, where is it that I'm actually going, and how will I know when I get there"? (I'm paraphrasing).  Gd replies, (more paraphrasing) "Don't worry. I'll let you know when you're there."  BTW - This is also a good reply when someone asks you what the hell you are doing with your life.  If you are following your internal cruise control, then you can reply "Don't worry.  I'm on my way, and I'll let you know when I've arrived."  Piss them off even more.  Ha!  


Okay, there's more; it concerns Gd.  There is a truth about Gd and I want you all to know it, but it will have to wait.  Why? Because this truth is something you need to be prepared for.  You just can't hear it outright.  It would be irresponsible of me to just blurt it out.  I'll type it up tonight and stick it...I mean give it to you all tomorrow.  


I'm going to go now and play a game on facebook. Then I'm going to learn a little hebrew.  You all go and enjoy some reruns.


Goodnight. 

 

this is my heart

sometimes i just want to write it all out. all the truth that sits in my heart.  not the emotional stuff of the wrong doing or hurt from a careless comment or behavior. that's all fleeting. i want to get out the truth about me. the truth about my life as i understand it.  all of the good and unformed parts.  


what is my truth.  can i get anymore existential?  does this sound too much like "who am I?" of course it does.  it's the ongoing, never ending question that is answered then changed? really? does it change so much, or do i think the answer changes because i never fully understand it. 


My life did not turn out like I was told it would.  I am not married and I have no children.  I do not own my own house.  Instead, I am single with never having had a significant relationship in my life.  At one point I thought my life would be nothing without a significant other and a child or children, but lately, while I am still open (i think) to finding a significant other, I'm pretty much past the having children part.  In fact, I've recently discovered that I really don't care for them. you have no freedom, and all your money and time is spent on them, and still they can turn out to take drugs and steal from you, or die or something, and ick.  that's more than i can handle.  


So, apparently, i like being able to go with the flow.  Financially, I've been all over the place. I've been up and down. I've hit skids and prayers answered.  The one truth I've learned about myself...I'm a survivor.  Life can be pretty shitty, but it's best to turn your nose up to bad times and keep moving towards bluer skies...yuck there i go falling into metaphors.  my first truth.  i survive because i don't see much point in being sad.  i've tried deliberately and i've had it foisted upon me thanks to a chemical imbalance.  it's scary, it sucks and it leads nowhere.  you only get sadder until you feel there is no hope.  turn your nose up to the blues, and keep moving on.


my second truth. i'm spiritual, but more than that, i whole heartedly believe in a gd.  the existence of a gd i feel to be a undeniable truth. although, i don't know why and i have no way of proving it, but i know it to be a truth.   i believe that all we do as human beings is some kind of step towards gd.  obviously there are steps that are taken that lead you away from gd, but all of our steps are definitely in relation to or away from gd.  


another truth. i am imperfect.  


oh. i hear that chinese food has arrived.  i'll be prophetic later.  first some fried rice.  

Really morning? Really?

okay. so what the cat woke me up at 530 to eat. after i walked up stairs i start to see the trash from the steps into the kitchen. SOMEBODY left the trash compactor door open and the dogs took out what they could and covered a quarter of the kitchen floor with it. okay, fine. i cleaned it up. EVEN THOUGH i let the dogs out last night, one of them (Macy) pooped on the floor - TWICE. when you're a small dog, your small poops give you away every time bitch. fine. i picked it up. took the trash out to the curb...in my underwear, because i didn't feel like putting pants on thank you very much...helloooo neighbor! whatever, he drinks. i doubt he'll remember. fine. put trash compactor bag into compactor and OUCH! sliced my thumb on a lid to a can of cat food. of course it's on the tip, and i'm wearing six bandaids just to keep the blood spill to a minimum. 

really morning? really?

good thing i'm laughing as i type this.  good thing i have a sense of humor.

forecast today - hot and humid

So my plan to take the teenager somewhere today didn't pan out. I wasn't going to take her anywhere, but realized, "Hey? Why not have her sit somewhere else to watch MTV and mope?"  Oh well. 

Instead, the teenager and pre-teen convinced me to take them to the supermarket because they wanted to get stuff to make their own pizza - dough, sauce, cheese, what have you. Their mother nixed the idea, and instead we ended up buying frozen pizza.  

Now, we are in the supermarket, two sisters: one who is seventeen and the other who is twelve and an Aunt who is quickly realizing that she has made a big mistake.  One of the perks of not having children, you never have to take them into a store of any kind unless you foolishly decide to do so.  I'm feeling a case of regret about to settle into my bones.  What kind of pizza are we going to get?

Now, 12 is very accommodating and will compromise at the drop of a hat, and  was offering a sorts of suggestions that would make both she and 17 happy.  When it comes to accommodating and compromise, 17 has to dig deep for it.  Really, really deep.  I verbalized to 17 that she needed to compromise with what type of pizza they were going to get.  She said she knew that! Gawd! I thought to myself, "Then what the hell is the problem when the answer is staring you right in the face?"  Well, I realized that the answer was that she needed to talk herself into the compromise.  17 usually makes decisions based on what 17 wants.  I begrudgingly accept that, and I actually admire her for it. She doesn't need to worry about taking care of anyone else but herself.  For those of us that did not have that luxury at her age will understand that I'm also a little jealous.  I applaud my brother and sister n law for raising a beautiful, self-absorbed child.  Still, most of the time i just want to clock her.  My brother actually called her a fucking bitch the other day.  He didn't mean it...well, I mean, he didn't mean to say it out loud, but I knew exactly how he felt.  She does this amazing thing.  She asks (demands) to be taken somewhere. You say, "yes" followed by a heavy sigh and an eye roll.  The time comes to leave, and you wait for her to finish getting ready.  When she's ready, she comes to you and starts yelling how they have to get out the door right now because she is going to be late.  You're like, "Bitch I'm waitin' on you."  If you don't move fast enough, she comes at you again.  This is what she did they other day.  "Come on! Let's go! You're going to make me late!"  I can hear her spazzing out on him.  I'm thinking to myself, "What an ungrateful, fucking bitch."  So when I heard my brother yell back - "okay you fucking bitch!"  I knew he immediately regretted saying it out loud.  But hey, what are you going to do?  It happens.  I would have done something far worse. 

So, standing there in front of the frozen pizza,  i took a step back and let her do what she knew she needed to do.  talk herself into making room for someone else.  she did it. she's a rock star and everyone was happy.

Meanwhile, back on my nonexistent farm, I am applying for jobs in healthcare and hoping my unemployment will be reinstated until I can find a job.  I'm going back into my old field because I realize/accepted that I'm gonna need money to be a farmer, and it's gonna have to come in the form of a government funded position.  In the meantime, I volunteer at a food bank one or two days a week, help out with the family's ponies, and I'm growing a garden right next to the stables.  I just need to get myself in bed sooner so when 4:30 rolls around, I've had more than 4.5 hours of sleep.  Now that I'm sleeping on a mattress, This shouldn't be much of a problem.  

Sometimes it's just the simplest things that make the impact.  For me, a comfy mattress.  For 17, the success of a compromise.